After hearing, day after day, of my Facebook friends’s adventures in Farmville, I decided to see what all the fuss is about.
I sat down in front of my computer, comfortably stationary with my little sandwich bag, lighter, pipe, and my computer (what I figured to be the essentials for the full experience.)
I typed “Farmville” into the search bar, and was taken to the search results, and from there I (with some embarrassment and a mental note to remove it from my newsfeed later) added the application. Right off the bat, I became much too aware of the obnoxious background music, and was forced to mute the sound on my computer.
That done, I chose my gender (female, for anyone who wondered.)
Straight away I was taken to my plot of land, and immediately harvested eggplant and strawberries for coins, and then proceeded to plant a new crop: soybeans (which appearred to be the only seed I could afford–but who knows, I really haven’t grasped this thing yet.)
As it turns out, I was supposed to start off by plowing a few new plots, not planting, but, no real harm done, just a little bit of confusion.
With those tasks completed, it seemed I was done for the day. My computer told me to come back tomorrow to harvest the seeds I had just planted.
How do people spend hours playing this game? Mine practically told me to leave.
But I did decide to stick around and check things out further… It seems I was able to continue on, and buy lots of things for my farm: trees, seeds, animals, vehicles, etc. Anyway, I went to market to look around, perhaps find something to spend my 228 coins/$5 on. Strawberries were cheap and harvest quickly, so I bought some of those and planted them, and then plowed some more land. This time however, I watched the rest of the screen while plowing, and realized that almost every time I click my mouse, I lose coins! It costs to buy seeds, and plant them, and plow the land, and then I guess you harvest them, and get more coins.
Magically! I plowed and planted three plots worth of eggplant (which I consequently discovered is a fruit! I guess you are good for something, Farmville.)
By the time that was done, I was magically a level two farmer! WOW! A Kinderfarmer! A dream I never knew I had, come true!
May I interject with–goddamn this application is sloooowwww.
Now nearly out of money, I decided to try to ask some people to be my neighbors. Then I found out that getting neighbors requires you to send out little neighbor requests, like those annoying ones all of your friends send you for their Mob or Zombie Army or weird group that sit up on the top right of your Facebook page, waiting to be confirmed or ignored. You don’t want to be have a Zombie Army or join an X-Files fan group, but you sure as hell don’t want to hit the ignore button (how rude!) So you leave it up there for weeks until it really start to bother you, and finally (looking around to make sure no one is watching, a guilty lump in your stomach) hit the ignore button. Anyway, I swallowed my pride and sent a handful, maybe a dozen, requests out to my very closest friends and a few family members, and decided to call it quits for the day.
At the end of day one, what I have to say about Farmville is this: it’s just a much less awesome version of Roller Coaster Tycoon–which might still be good for a few cheap thrills, but would probably now pale in comparison to how fun it was when I was 12.